What Your Coffee Order Says About You

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What Your Coffee Order Says About You

Home / CULTURE / What Your Coffee Order Says About You
D.C. comedian Nikki Frias shares her truth.
"Coffee or ice cream? Frappuccino drinkers just say fuck it."

Let’s be real, coffee is the real MVP when it comes to getting through daily life. It keeps us warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and awake year round. For many, it’s a close second to relatives and friends.

There is no doubt a social aspect to the phenomenon that is coffee. As the great debate continues about whether an Iced Espresso is better than a Caramel Mocha, the one thing we can all agree on is that coffee brings people together.

And like the clothes you wear, the coffee you order says a lot about you.

Black Coffee

plastic-cup-black-coffee-capitol-standard-magazine-sydney-adams

Illustrations by Sydney Adams

Black coffee (or as REAL coffee drinkers would call it– the lifeblood that runs through our veins) is actual coffee. We love the taste of a bold dark roast and look for roasters who can trace their beans back to where they’re grown.

Using terms like ‘blend’ and ‘single origin’ in everyday conversation, we’re always on the hunt for a higher quality coffee.

Most of us cringed when Mel Gibson put coffee beans in the freezer to keep them fresh in the movie Conspiracy Theory. Now millions of Americans believe their coffee beans will be fresher when kept in the freezer. (By the way that makes no sense. Freezing your coffee beans will only dry them out. So before we have a damn heart attack put your coffee beans in an airtight container.)

Head’s up to all the coffee snobs, try not to judge others when you see Folgers or Maxwell House in their shopping cart at Safeway.

 


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 The Frappuccino

frappucino-order-says-about-you-sydney-adams-illustration-capitol-standard-magazine

Illustrations by Sydney Adams

News flash: coffee shops hate you. No, but seriously. Most Frappuccino drinkers are either in high school or actually don’t like the taste of coffee. Your drink says ‘I don’t know if I want coffee or ice cream today. I’ll do both!’

The drink you’re proudly parading around is made up of whipped cream, caramel drizzle, and caramel flakes; talk about fancy.  Let’s not forget the uniform of a Frapp drinker includes a North Face Fleece, Target leggings, infinity scarf, and boots.

The Americano

Americano drinkers get straight to the point. You’re a regular at the local coffee house, and the baristas know you by name.

Not one to sit around and read the paper while talking politics with the other locals, they are super polite and tip often. You have no issues spending money on coffee because you’re too busy doing actual things and don’t have time to brew it yourself.

Decaf

Let’s be honest, you’re getting old.

Iced, Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, Sugar-Free, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte

Baristas want you to grab your shit and go.

“May I have that 1% milk wet?” Whaaaaaaa? Your drinks are so complicated the manager has to Google it.

Always one to count calories while eyeing the cheese danishes, your normal attire includes a lot of Lululemon Athletica and a color coordinated headband.

“I’ll have a 4 pump, sugar-free, cinnamon, dolce latte.”

Toting an iPad accessorized child who only drinks organic milk, your entourage includes other moms who can’t wait to talk about the drama from last week’s PTA meeting.

Espresso Black-2 sugars

Espresso drinkers put the class in classy. They’ve learned how to drink coffee from recent travels to places like Italy and Costa Rica and invest in only the finest coffee. You make a point of requesting a pain au chocolat instead of just saying chocolate croissant.

Most weekends include dinner parties with very interesting friends, paired with the best of foods and wines. They’re the type of people who have real conversations and view life as a learning experience. K-Cups? Never. They demand a perfect cup, every time. Please note: if an espresso drinker invites you to a party, you can finally break out that ascot tie.

Green Tea Latte

Green Tea Lattes are like people who wear shorts in the winter; they don’t make sense. You hate the taste of coffee but love feeling fancy when around fellow coffee drinkers. You’re at the coffee shop to do “work” which apparently means being on Facebook all day.

Most Tea Latte drinkers are into healthy living and focusing on the mind, body, and soul. You wear inspirational t-shirts that say things like “Inhale love, exhale hate”“Drop and give me Zen” and “Kale yes.”

Your Instagram account is filled with photos of latte art and motivational quotes about being a better person.

FYI, we’re judging you.

about the author

Nikki Frias
Nikki Frias
Nikki Frias is a standup comedian and comedic writer living and working in the DC area. You can catch her at local DC comedy clubs, CVS or online at Nikkideecomedy.com. Or just follow her on Twitter @nikkideecomedy.